Living in the Gray

Much like my blog post Life’s Limitations, this post gives my point of view regarding limitations in life. Although after writing the other I was so inspired to express my very personal beliefs and experiences on the matter.

I was raised to believe the world was black and white but even though they wanted to raise us that way life took over and changed the concept for all of us. I would have to say that although I may have started my life living to a strict moral standing and trying to keep pace with people pretending life was grand. The truth is life happened and I changed the way much like my parents. I started to see things in a bigger light at a very young age. Now I’m one of the people that choose to live in the gray area of life and I have been for a really long time. You see life in my eyes is not just black and white sometimes it can be both but for me, I love the gray.

I like to Teeter on the line between right and wrong. Not because I’m a bad person either but because I’m actually a really good person. I am probably one of the most upstanding citizens you will ever meet. I have helped the homeless, the poor even when, I was poor. I generally put my needs behind everyone else. I work hard to pay my taxes and live just like everyone else.

I say I live in the gray area because I don’t always agree with societies standard. I believe that the world is filled will all different types of people. People from different places and what is essentially right in one person’s eyes is not in others. I like to think I am in charge of my decisions. I have morals and lines I will not cross. But whether you are a good or bad person you also know there is more than one set of lines in life. Depending on the situation or subject I might feel strongly about pushing the limits. I’m one of the people that believe life has a lot of situations and that sometimes we have to go beyond the limits to achieve more. Sometimes life will demand us to fight for and step beyond the boundaries that are set in place for the better of mankind or to change a situation that is blind to the realities in the world. Part of that is why I write this blog, to begin with. I believe we all hold the key to our own future and it is up to us to build a better world with it.

Why I choose to express my points of view so strongly is because I don’t believe in a black and white version of life. I understand and accept that there is such thing. All the above does help us as a society to maintain order. In my eyes, we need the black, white and gray concept its what keeps the world going around. For example, you can not drive a car without an engine or wheels, well this would be the same concept. Although I believe without the people living in the gray area or switching side to side the world would never change. If no one ever stepped out of the box and tried to learn or seek new ways of life we would have never developed and changed from a cave man status.

I believe that everyone has their own points of view. I believe that everyone has their own set of limitations that are drawn by their own life experience and that includes all the happiness and pain they’ve suffered through. I think that the world should be more open to things that may not be on the spectrum of perfection. If we were to all be a little more open and less strict with these concepts of perfection. We could have the potential to make a change in our world. It could lead to peace or even just plain simplicity. Imagine if there was not astigmatism in everything we did. We could live free of persecution and envy. I mean somethings will never be acceptable and are just wrong no matter how you look at it. Although life is not all black and white. There will always be people that have flaws or even overachievers. As well as there will always be good or bad people. The only difference in my concept is maybe we can be more open to a larger picture without hesitation. Sounds a little hippyish, I know but it is just my thoughts and ideas.

I was not always the type of person that lived in the gray zone. Once upon a time, I was just a kid that was trying to be like all the others. Young and free, full of life. Then life happened, I grew up a little. I looked around and it hit me. If I didn’t grow up and if I didn’t start to make a stand to live within an acceptable guideline then life was always going to leave me in the dust. I wasn’t the kid that was going to have a clean, free ride like a lot of my friends. I wasn’t going to get a new shiny car for free or a college degree that didn’t matter cause I had a position at my parent’s job since I was born. I wasn’t going to have all my happiness handed to me on a silver platter. I didn’t have the privilege to live life carefreely.

I was the girl that worked with my dad in the night and on the weekends because if I didn’t I wouldn’t even know him. Also if I didn’t in my head I always thought he worked so hard and who was going to keep him up when he was driving around all night. But more than that I was going to grow up and when I did I was going to have to work my ass off to eat, pay bills and survive. The nights my dad was working and I wasn’t with him I would sometimes sit at my front door because I was little and he told me to watch the family while he was gone. Being young I didn’t know any better he was saying it theoretically. My limits then if you walked in that front door where you were going to get socked with a bat till I saw blood. All in the name of love and protection. My mom use to have to beg me to go to bed and tell me we would be ok without him but being the pit bull at the door was my job.

My parents worked hard for everything we ever had. They were different and they didn’t always follow the rules of the world they wanted the kind of life they wanted and they never took no for an answer. No matter how many times it slapped them in the face. We went thru a lot of ups and downs. When it was good it was great and when it wasn’t watching out because it sucked. Maybe that’s, not the standard for normal families to go back and forth like that but they always tried their best to give us more it just didn’t always work out.

God knows I swore when I grew up I wouldn’t be that way but it’s a hard world to get out of. It takes transition that people don’t understand. In my eyes when I was young I was like a caterpillar that was never going to learn how to fly when all my friends had wings. They would pity me in a nice way and I’d play tough or be a smartass and say I didn’t care. My favorite line was “I’m going to be fine, I have really big plans hoping I could pull off a miracle like my parents but actually stay at that level.” But the truth was I was scared. It’s hard never measuring up to your closest friends. I was lucky enough to be lower middle class and go to a school with people that had tons of money and big houses and the whole nine. I loved my life and family but I just wanted to be like everyone else. I watched everyone go to college and I just went to work. Sure I had plans and dreams but that didn’t pay the car insurance. I thought I had a good plan but I was just a dumb kid. Some were thru it all I was always able to keep a smile and rough though. I figured I was stronger and smarter for it.

As time went on somewhere along the way in my embarrassment and self-pity. I realized everything I didn’t want to be I became anyway. It didn’t matter how much I tried to stay on top of things or be stable. The ruthless girl that tried to keep everything together but always lost. I was just like my parents. It wasn’t until later that I realized that’s just what life is for everyone somedays you win some and some days you lose. They had some help because we came from good families but not the ones that were going to spoon feed us. Frequently we were looked down on which always started arguments. My parents wanted to make a different life for us. The life they chose to lead was not always accepted by our families. Sometimes when you break away from a pack you have to stand alone for a while till you find the swing of things or like my dad use to tell us till e made our own world. Which is why he claims he had five of us. So we would always have each other back and be there to support each other no matter what.

I have had my fair share of situations where I had to go against my morals and my own judgment. Let alone, other peoples. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself at the time but at the end of the day. I didn’t do anything truly horrible I’ve been known to bend some rules or thin the line out but I always found a way to eat and I paid my bills. I suppose it’s because I’m a dreamer like my dad and full of hope like my mom. But I managed to build a life for myself against all the odds and ridicule that stood against me. Life is to precious to sit still and let it pass you by. What makes it harder is when you have so much pressure of people pushing you to go in different directions when you don’t know what way is up or down. How could you possibly move in that state? It took me a long time to figure it out. The key to the pressure is to never stop moving always keep taking that next step because if you’re not sure and you’re scared you’ll stay scared forever in that same spot. Sometimes you just have to jump and hope for the best.

So, that is why I’m the girl who lives in the gray. Now that I’m older, I’m less ashamed and in a way proud of what I’ve become. I’m not perfect I’ve had help along the way but my life is literally everything I made of it, on my own. All the struggles and happiness are mine I owe no one. No one can tell me who to be or what to do. That alone makes me proud. You can judge me its okay, I judge myself enough for all of us. The thing though that makes it okay is I really was always that strong kid that could shrug things off and pretend I was calm, cool and collective. I just never had the confidence back then to believe in my self and now I do.

A funny little story about me pushing the limits. A couple years ago when my mom died Christmas was coming up quick and my family was broke and so was I. I am the oldest of 5 children and that year was rough. We had no happiness any of us. We were all at each other’s throats and we really needed the smallest bit of happiness. So against my husband’s wishes, I joined signed up for some health study where I was paid $150.00. Giving my body to science at the time was my only logical option to make miracles happen because all my money from working had to go to the bills. That whole $150.00 went to providing Christmas presents for my siblings and my family. My husband told me I was crazy and I said that sometimes you have to do what you have to do to achieve happiness no matter how small it may be. Even if it means your doing for others.

It wasn’t the presents that gave me joy but my little sisters face when she opened her few presents that gave me such joy. Just knowing that I found a way to get one smile out of her at such a sad time. I literally had to pull her out of bed to open them but it was well worth it. Then for my little brother just watching him and my husband work together to build a blow-up punching bag we got for him. It was stupid and he was way too old for it, but he was full of so much anger at the time. I thought even if he hit it once or twice even just for fun it was something. He got quite a couple good laughs as they bounced it around that day. Somethings are priceless to me seeing them smile is one of them. Now I look back I laugh at the whole situation because luckily not too long after that we were able to pull ourselves out of the bind we were in.

I’m one of those headstrong females on a mission. Still, haven’t found what the mission is yet but I’m on my way. Every day I get a little closer. My mother raised me to believe that there is a larger spectrum of the universe that sometimes without the right experience or knowledge some people cannot see it. She taught me and my siblings to always look at the bigger picture. She taught us to find the good in what we had going for us. My father always taught us to push past the picture and shoot for the stars even if we didn’t know where we were going. The facts are though as crazy and sporadic with their life as they were and as my father still is. Even though we didn’t always have a ton of money, a fancy house or a bright future dropped in our laps we had a great mom and dad that were always there to help or push us to the next point. Maybe if someone believed in them the way they believed in us they could have accomplished more then they did but who they became was great either way. Regardless of recognition, they were able to make jacks walk so many times together and apart. I was lucky to have such strong parents.

My father is in a way is my hero. It sounds funny because if you saw us in the past you would think we hated each other. But he has pushed through and made so many more miracles happen then the average man. His endless strive to keep going against all the realities is unbelievable. It’s hard to match up to someone so full of life and majestic in a way. He’s a rare breed that sometimes drives you crazy but underneath it all, he’s really something special. The one thing no one could ever take away from our family was the family they built. As nuts and chaotic as we all were living in the gray together even in times I thought we could do better. We still experienced a lot of really great times alongside all the bad ones that make every moment we lived worth it.

Thank you for reading My Crazy Beautiful Blog. This one was a little more personal but it is a story of limitations I’m proud to admit is mine. I’m sure you all have some fun and extraordinary tales yourself feel free to share in the comments. Enjoy your day xoxo

9 thoughts on “Living in the Gray

    1. I love my rainbow quote and picture thanks for the reblog hope you enjoyed. Please follow I have plenty more soon to come. Enjoy your night I also followed you . 😊

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    1. It is in deed, it was not initially where I was going with the concept but this is where I ended up, so I ran with it. If you have the time I started off with a previous post on limitations that lead to Living in the gray. Have a great day. Thank you for the comment

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