Have you ever just got to the point that you’d love nothing more than to kick and scream. Have you ever thought, “I just give up on everything” because I know I have.
Life is a hassle and it is full of all types of responsibilities and stress. Sometimes I just wanted to run away. Instead of running though I ended up becoming a settler. I’d find myself just moving from one room to another getting more miserable by the minute about everything. Whining and crying or freaking out because there was a point I was just so lost in life and stuck.
When it really hit me, was when I realized I lost complete control of not just myself but my actual life. One bad day after the next. I literally felt like someone was drowning or choking me. I would strive for air but all I would get was random bubbles off it. I was exhausted all the time. Constantly having panic or anxiety attacks that became beyond my control. It started to make everything so much harder than it already was. My marriage was going down the tubes, my job was one strand away from being lost and the crazy part was I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t know how to fix it and if it all fell apart. Maybe when it was over I would finally have a clean slate to work with. The only thing was I didn’t get that clean slate, it just kept getting worse.
I had a couple really pivotal points where I would actually try to feel and make changes. I had started to make time for myself and take mini breaks away from everyone to zone out even if it was just for a few moments. The only thing is, I would still fall back on my sword and settle. I was a people pleaser and I would starve myself to feed others. It was always about their needs, leaving myself with nothing at the end of my day, every day!
It all really changed when I decided to take control of my life. It all started when I got into a fight with my husband. I said “Enough is enough, I don’t need this everything became chaos. That night, I decided all I needed was me. It is true at the time, I just got over a mental breakdown. After helping caregiver for my mom and my gram and both of them passing away, I was broken beyond words. My anxiety left me having continuous spells of confusion to where I would get lost in stores and even just have complete loss of motor functions everything. So in a lot of ways my life and marriage suffered a lot.
At the same time, my marriage had always struggled a bit as we have had many bumps in the road. Jimmy was my best friend and I have loved him since I was 14 yrs old. Between the time we knew each other and everything we had been through together, it was just so hard to focus on the idea of being without each other. I really didn’t know what to do do with him, us or me. He did take care of me while I was sick for a while. But I continued to take care of him and everyone else regardless of my troubles and health. Although even though he helped keep me together when we would fight I was constantly grasping on for air and I never got any. Both of us have always had very strong personalities and neither of us had easy lives growing up. So every time we fought, it was us fighting like we were two homeless people fighting over a piece of bread or a blanket on a cold night. With that fight though came the big moment that changed everything.
The moment that changed my story was the very next day after I dropped him off at work. With all my insecurities, “I told myself I can do this on my own I didn’t need him or anyone.” I just didn’t know how to remind my mind to remember to push past and need only me. Which seems a bit funny but it was a real struggle to pull myself out of my attacks. My husband was the only one that could get me out of them. So after that long morning, it hit me. I suddenly remembered when my grandma didn’t remember things after her stroke my grandfather hung post-it notes all over to remind her where things were, along with different tasks and such. So by midday on lunch break, I decided at random “I needed a post-it note.”
My version of a post-it note, on the other hand, ended up being a little different. Being a woman on her own mid-crisis, in a crazy relationship, with a life that was falling apart piece by piece, while severely struggling mentally and physically thinking I need a post-it note, led to my first tattoo. Against all my morals and pet peeves. There I was mid lunch break with my arm out to some stranger while I let him push this needle and ink all in my wrist. I thought “That’s it, I’ve really lost it this time.” I spent the whole process literally laughing to myself and out loud thinking about on how angry my husband would be and how I spent my whole life having to keep to some crazy moral code to be better, faster, stronger and I was sick of it.
This day I decided I was going to be who I was on the inside. I was going to let myself be free from ridicule and all the people that had judgments about my life. That included me as well, I was definitely my own worst critic. This is how I planned to remember how to take care of myself. I was going to remember all I needed to survive was me. If I had to carve it in my forehead.
Back then I remember not being able to look myself in the mirror. I was so full of regret, anger, and sadness. I didn’t want that anymore. For now on I decided everything else was just people and things along the way. The tattoo read, Just Breathe so in the midst of a panic or struggle. My plan was to look down at my wrist and see it. In hopes, it would remind me to take some deep breaths and as an extra, I had 3 birds placed through and around the words. This was so I would remember to fly and that I had the strength and ability to be free from all that held me back. The funny part is they all looked a little different I was going to go back because one bird to the bottom looked like it was missing its heart and looked more like a duck. The second was speckled and the third to me looked pretty perfect. But honestly it explained my life somewhere along the way I became a duck that lost her heart, I was also different than the other so for me that was the speckled one and then I always have to be strong and morally correct for everyone else so that was the perfect one. Those three birds were me the whole me combines just flying together but separated.
The boy was my husband shocked when I picked him up from work. He was a bit of a mix between being angry I wasted the money, shocked I did it in the first place and I think a bit scared because of my reason behind it. Everyone was shocked.
After that, it all started to fall together for me. One foot in front of the other I started to put myself and life back on track. Then we planned a romantic getaway to the keys for my birthday. Which by the way literally blew up in our faces, we spent the majority of it arguing. We had some good times here and there but we fought up and down every key from key largo straight to key west and all the way back. It was crazy. Finally the last big fight we had was on my actual birthday. He wanted to go snorkeling and I was not a good swimmer so I said: “I’d stay on the boat.” Needless to say, this fight led to the next big step to where I am now. He wouldn’t let up so when we reached the spot I angrily in spite of him and the fight said: “Screw it!”
Then I leaped into the water first. I remember thinking to myself “This is it this is where it all ends”. Which now makes me laugh. Right after my fierce jump to death in the ocean in the middle of nowhere by the way on a very crappy day weather-wise. It only took about a half a minute for my body to go into a complete panic attack but luckily I can float. Then after about 10 min I finally caught my breath and there I was floating in this 20-30 foot depending on where I was at the time on that horribly stormy day. Unsure if I’d be eaten by a shark or drownd. I sucked it up and ended up having the time of my life. This is us… I look so disheveled but it’s a great pic.
This was on my last birthday when I was turning 32. This pic was taken almost the exact moment, I decided it was time for me to start really living again. Somehow in that single hour literally sinking or swimming in key largo, Fl. I realized how much of myself, I lost over the years but also I found my confidence and strength. Which led me to change my life. As I said previously I was not a good swimmer and this was definitely one of the most frightening things because of that but it was one of the best moments of my life.
From there I decided to learn how to swim and started taking note of everything that made me, me! My ability to swim then was less than mediocre and just 8 or so months later I was swimming 50 laps in the pool in a row. All thanks to the single snorkel trip in June 2017 and some crazy lunch break tattoo a couple months before in November of 2016. Along with all my dedication to making a change and to find myself along the way my faith in myself and drive in life was being restored.
Between all my timeouts, scheduled pity parties, random visits for pedicures or reflexology massages to relax and these crazy moments where I leaped before really thinking, I found myself. Now I’m not saying go get a tattoo or leap in a dangerous situation. That’s, not the answer everyone has a way to reach that point for me, this was it. I just had to still put the pieces together. That was a little more complicated. So I joined a bunch of online groups for people trying to find themselves and have struggled with anxiety or stress. From that point, I started my blog. I wasn’t sure on the name because I knew I wanted to write about life. So I titled it The Crazy Pursuit of Life. At the same time, the blog itself was not just about life. It was also a piece of me and I decided to use it to track my process a bit as well. A way I could take all the versions of me and still keep to reality while putting myself out there. I told very few people to start. I guess out of embarrassment or just lack of confidence in general. So then I decided my life was crazy but between all the terror and bizarre ridiculousness, it had really beautiful moments. So that is when I came up with the name, My Crazy Beautiful Blogs. If you were to ask me about my life that is probably the most positive way I could explain it, my life is and always has been Crazy Beautiful. That was who and what I was and till this day still am.
I’ve always been different and had to still keep face for society or for my family. I was all these things underneath who everyone wanted me to be and who I needed to be to accomplish what I had to do. All of the above never led to me being me or leading a life of happiness. It did not end with a rainbow and butterflies. I would be pleased that I helped my family, happy I was a good friend or a loyal wife. Yet I didn’t know how to be the whole package deal. There was no room for me to break free and be all the above, let alone just who I was for me. Then came the big moment, yes this one was dramatic and a bit crazy.
Why do girls and woman always pull a Britney Spears and destroy or take the life out on their hair? Honestly, I don’t know the exact reason for yet. But for me it was I was sick to death of my panic ridden nights making me wake up with knots in my hair. As usual, how things went another grand fight between me and my husband led to another insane lunch hour. One in which this time was where I had some woman that didn’t even speak English so she didn’t understand me which made me feel terrified but yet I still sat there. But I let her shave the under part of my hair off, giving me an undercut.
This is the back and underside:
This was the front and length of the hair due to the length I kept it I am able to be professional and still have the creative side underneath:
Yes I know, it was crazy and definitely very unique but honestly. I did it because I am unique. I was done with the knots. I had a whole lot to do with for myself and I was not letting hair hold me back from being happy. The design was me allowing my creative self, to be free.
After that, I finally was able to make it beyond myself and all my flaws. I was finally able to embrace myself for all I was. I was becoming happy and that all in itself was great. I always would tell everyone else to be themselves so why did I have to continue to shackle myself. With the haircut, I cut the cord that held me down.
I was finally free of it all. Suddenly being able to say, whatever happens, happens was okay because regardless of it all I knew I was going to be okay. A big part of pulling myself together was knowing that by gaining confidence and finally realizing my self-worth was important. Just being able to look toward the future and actually start moving forward. I realized and excepted that I could not control life and everything.
Now that I truly know all of the above I no longer have to run around controlling and maintaining everyone else’s life. After all my self-analysis, I know my self-worth and what I deserve. I except what I know I can not change, and I still take chances at the impossible because the worst thing that can happen is I fail. The laughable part is I have fallen, failed, been dragged through the mud, overwhelmed, stressed to the max and been pushed to the point I wanted to pop. Yet I’m still here.
A day in my life is me now starting to close down a business I have worked for over 10 yrs because I decided I’d prefer to have it as a hobby than work. Yet I decided to continue to work with the clients I still have till they no longer need my services. Some of them I have had for 10 yrs. I will fill the time I have from shutting down the pet services with my new Life Coaching Business. I also currently work my regular part-time position at my job that I have worked for the last almost 6 -7 years. I have been writing this blog, taking online courses all preparing me for starting my life coaching business, I have been exercising 1 -4 times a week at the gym but all together 5-6 days a week because I’m also exercising at home, I am helping my family when they need me but still taking time for myself, I cook, clean, work side by side with my husband in all the aspects of our life and plus so much more. I am a busy little beaver on the regular basis but now I’m happy while doing it all. In the end, even though I’m tired and overwhelmed I feel good about me and all of it. My body, my spirit and the whole package deal of Susan Riley are finally complete.
The next stages of this life for myself are working on my marriage and continuing to push forward against whatever life throws at me. I finally found ways I can be happy and enjoy life. Ways I can make a difference in the word. I found a profession that I think will really prosper because of all my past and present. A new path that can combine my skills and flaws. This is me breathing in the today’s and tomorrows and flying like I never have before. Without guilt and regret because I deserve it and can not wait for what the rest of life has in store for me. Now when I look at my post-it notes aka tattoo. I don’t just see birds and some words. I see what I’ve achieved regardless of it all and I see me being open to all of life’s possibilities.
If you have similar feelings as I did and you just don’t know what to do. Follow ur heart and head but push yourself because no one else can. If along the way you need help or guidance along your journey read my blog get some ideas do some self-discovery for you. If you need help, need some opinions email me. I will be up and run the business very soon and when I do I hope to help people that seek more out of life. Also if you’d like my services I’d love nothing more then to help you achieve one hell of a fierce action plan towards your dreams and aspirations. So as for now, I leave you with this quote:
Once Again, Thank you for reading My Crazy Beautiful Blogs and please follow me on all my social media. Please leave me your comments, I want feedback. Share your stories too. Most of all have just had a great day.