The subject of abuse is something I tend not to generally mention or push forward. Due to my knowledge of the lack of understanding and judgment, society has chosen to push on the victims of abuse.
Since I started this webpage, I have slowly been working my way up to writing this post. I decided a while back that I wanted to be the woman that stood up and fought for others, like myself. In order to do so, I first needed to regain my confidence and get a better grasp of my own realities. Now that I have, it is time to say the words that any victim of abuse, finds so hard to say. That’s right, I Susan Riley have been the victim of abuse.
Being a victim of abuse of any kind, in many ways is heart-wrenching to admit to yourself, let alone others. I don’t really believe, the world gets the full concept of what abuse really is. In all honesty, some acts of abuse can be purely unintentional, sometimes life just gets the best of us and we snap, some maybe unable to control them selves do to health reasons and others may become unable to control themselves do to alcohol or drug abuse, while for others they may actually plan to specifically cause pain and sorrow. No matter what way the situation occurs it is never a good sign or acceptable. As an abuser, you must make active choices to not be active in this department. If you know you have a problem it is your duty to fix it. If you do not it does not matter how many Apologies, Flowers, Presents, Kind Gestures and Excuses you make because your the one choosing to not make a change. The facts about abuse and violence is Loosing control of your temper and striking a person or mentally hurting someone is never a sign of strength, it is a sign of pure weakness.
As we all know, life can sometimes be very complicated for all of us and frequently it doesn’t always go, the way we plan. I think, it’s pretty safe to say if you have suffered from abuse, mentally or physically, chances are you have experienced the effects of its nature. Maybe you now suffer from, PTSD, Anxiety, Anger, Fear, Regret, Sadness, Misery, and So Much More.
Maybe, your spouse or loved one not meaningfully has crossed the line here or there. Maybe, not realizing they did so and then out of loyalty you pushed through time and time again, just to save face or for survival out of desperation, you had no choice but to accept it, at the time.
Let me make one fact, perfectly clear Abuse Of Any Kind, It Is Unacceptable!!! It is your human right to never be harmed or pushed around. You are supposed to be free of such acts of abuse and violence. No one has the right or claim to provide you harm or such disrespect.
I personally have been broken and put down many times. My spirit has been broken and my confidence once was shattered, in ways I wish I never had to go through. My situation was one that was built off of loyalty and dysfunction. Due to the pain, I have been through. I currently suffer from PTSD along with having a very serious anxiety disorder. All of which, I am not proud of but this is a part of my life and my real life story. Regardless of what broke me, I chose to stand up and fight back. Not in violence but in being a voice for others like myself. Now instead of suffering in silence, I choose to stand out in the crowd and show my hardships to help others in hopes one day we can break the silence for all victims every where.
Another big part of my acceptance of my past and story is I choose to not have hatred for all abusers, as some people may find that wrong. Especially, after what I have gone through. The thing is I was raised to believe that people act out of cause and effect. Just because I choose not to actually hate abusers and because I choose to see a bigger picture does not make me wrong either. It makes me realistic, so many victims walk around scared of finding new love or happiness. We walk around with a chip on our shoulder and in fear. Domestic Abuse the gift that keeps giving the pain and suffering never goes away fully but that does not mean you have to revel in it forever. Acceptance and being self aware of your mishaps and issues is what leads to you finding peace and happiness after the fact.
You see there is such a larger picture of abuse that people, do not always see. In fact, did you know that most people that are abusive, have suffered from being abused themselves? Now with that being said, that is not an invitation to abuse someone but it is a fact, that can help you get a better understanding, of why you or your abuser are living in this hell. The person who abused me was also a victim of abuse. This is also not me giving him excuses but me stating a fact. So naturally, the cycle continued down the chain and there I was the one at the end of the line. Some people are not raised with love, support or care like they should be. Those are the facts of life. Others are raised to be accept, understanding and kind.
I was that girl, the one that wanted to save the world that is until it swallowed me whole! Then, I wanted to cry and never get out of bed again. I almost gave up on myself, so many times. I had no clue, what I was doing at the time. So I just stayed the course trying to continue to survive and help him get better. All I knew was that, I saw a boy that like myself had problems and together we got through them, over and over, against all the odds, a million times. Until one day it all changed so in the beginning I thought maybe we can survive this too. The truth is so far we have but that was no easy task on either end. I do not defend his actions they were unacceptable and trust me when I say I didn’t always take it laying down. In fact, there are many times my reactions where no better then what he dished out to me in the first place. So over time, we spent a good period of our relationship literally attacking each other. The anger and misery between us was so dreadful, we were spiteful and completely out of control. Until I realized someone had to step back and have control. Over time we managed our feelings better and then it would happen randomly over time. The thing about abuse is it is never a one time thing. Its almost like a secret once the cat is out of the bag it just keeps coming out.
You see in life, sometimes it takes time to heal and accept the realities of your life. Somewhere along the way, I healed from my previous problems and suffering. As to where he didn’t and instead of facing them he turned them on me. Some of us make it against the odds and still find a way to smile, while others take more time. Sometimes your misery gets the best of you and causes you to self-destruct. I chose to stick it out and definitely accepted more shit then I should have. I was young and full of love, I thought that was enough to heal the world. I thought if he didn’t understand love I could teach him, but he wasn’t a puppy, he was a human being. Its not always as easy as we plan.
When I think back, I see ways I could have not let it get so bad. I could of walked away and saved myself. Unfortunately, I thought if I let him, let his pain out on me maybe I could be strong enough for both of us. So young and naïve, I was. It didn’t work, it completely blew up in my face. It makes me sad and sometimes and on other occasions it even makes me laugh. Sometimes I just I think to myself “What The Hell, Was I Thinking!” The truth of it all is I just wanted it all to be better. I’d probably do it again only maybe I’d try new strategies. Maybe, I would have not held it all in and kept it a secret and actually of gotten help.
You see, he was my best friend and that friendship was lost after our first big fight and our relationship was so broken. It didn’t take a second fight to destroy everything we built together over 10 years. All trust and respect flew right out the window. He never meant any of it and I know that. We loved each other and still do honestly we probably always will but some wounds, never heal. We have since moved forward and everyday is a challenge as we rebuild what was broken and try to salvage the pieces we lost along the way. We can never forget and sometimes not even forgive. The point is life still must go on. Due to the struggles we went through there is a giant hole between us that never seems to close no matter how much love and support we give each other. It takes time and patience to recover from situations like this. It is hard when you have triggers, two people with PTSD and anxiety is a constant battle. It is hard enough being a singular person but two and then add in random rage, that is nothing but a recipe for disaster. How you choose to move forward is your business and yours alone. If he was another man I probably would have socked him a good kick in the butt told him kick rocks and moved on but our history held me in place.
There are options besides leaving, if you both choose to put in the effort, it takes to move forward. Sometimes we have to make the decision to save ourselves and hope the other person figures it out on their own. Once upon a time I promised, I’d never leave him but there are no longer promises in my relationship of always and forever to be together. I know in my heart he will always have my love but if it were to return to that state we were in I would leave. I can endure arguments and conflict. I can learn to function with my anxieties, but I refuse to place my self in a compromising position blindly. People reach a breaking point and when they do, it is time to make changes. Be smart and strong, you can move forward but not go back. Use and live your time wisely the only person that will regret your time wasted is you!
Did you know that many times being a bully is actually a sure sign that you yourself have suffered from being bullied? As people, we do on to others as we had done on to us! Maybe your abuser wasn’t always an abuser, to begin with. Many people are under the false belief that you can tell when someone is a bad person. The truth is, that idea is unrealistic because sure some people are bad people from jump but most are just as normal as you and me.
Many abusers wake up, go to work and live perfectly normal lives, every day. Sometimes without ever showing a single sign of bad behavior or having a secret as big as, abuse in their life. Same as most victims of abuse. Many people men, woman and even children, never share their tales of abuse, for many reasons. Maybe out of loyalty to their abuser, out of fear of the unknown, out of disbelief of their situation, and believe it or not, just for the sheer fact, that they are embarrassed.
Many people will say “why not leave?” Well, how many answers do you want because I can write a dictionary of answers? The truth is, if you have never experienced the situation you are judging then you will never understand the answers to why? The plain facts are to the world, it doesn’t matter why people don’t leave!
It does not even matter, why people abuse other people. The reason, I say that is not because I believe it but because to the world, this situation is just black and white. In Life people will size you up and automatically link you with the words weak or strong. In reality, the world sees strength by the words, survival of the fittest! The real taboo though is not why, where, how and when for the abuser or victim but why is it that the world, does not care. Why is it that abuse is acceptable in our society. Sure people stand up and say “we need peace” but the very same people that say “we need peace” are the same people that judge the victims of abuse or choose to be radicals. The world is full of hypocrites, hell myself included sometimes. I went through these struggles on my own but if one of my siblings were going through it you best believe I’m taking someone’s head off. The thing with that statement though is even though that’s what I’d want to do that is not the right answer. The right answer is to be supportive and give your loved one space to realize their situation on their own. As long as children are not involved I do believe it is in the best interest to let the victim figure it out on their own. Be there for support through the hard times. To be honest, that is what will help them to reach the point where they decide for themselves otherwise you could place them and yourself in more harm then you wanted.
Some Very Realistic Facts
The questions my friends, viewers, and followers are not “why does the victim stay or why does the abuser abuse!” The question is, “why after the fact, must the abuse continue to be accepted and high fived.” Obviously, no one wants to be abused or judged. No one wants to be a victim. You don’t know what the situation is behind the scenes of peoples lives.
Every day, I push myself a little further ahead towards my dreams and aspirations, regardless of my pain and sorrows that I have suffered through in the past. In fact, I recently made a career change to be a Self-discovery and Motivational Life Coach in spite of my hardships and pain. I created this blog fully aware that one day, I would reach the point, where I would put myself out for your judgment on this subject. When I made these changes in my life, I had several people say to me, “Well, how can you be a life coach?” and ” Look at your life and situations that you have put yourself through, why would someone come to you for advice?”
At first, I thought to myself maybe, they’re right? I thought, many times maybe “I have no business or reason to speak out and represent men or women on this subject or any other. I thought, “Do I have any reason to think that my words, feelings or anything I do, should be put out there?”
Then I took a bigger look at the picture that others were not looking at and I decided. Shame on them for thinking that I had no rights to speak up and be a person. I was no less of a person because of my struggles. I was still a good woman hell, I am and always will be a good woman. I have high standards and good morals. Just because someone has judgments of me does not mean I am a joke. I am nobody to pity, I am not someone to look down on or be ridiculed because I decided to take a chance with my life, to still it out with my partner or best friend. It was my life to gamble with regardless of how stupid it may or may not have been, it was my choice.
I am a human being, we make mistakes every day and then we learn from them. Then we hope our lessons were learned and successful but through all those comments and judgment. Do you think I ever said well while we are making judgments let’s examine your life and choices,”Giggle 😂!” The answer is no but I cant honestly tell you I didn’t think about it many times. I didn’t because sometimes people have to figure it out on their own. Judgment is not the answer and either is revenge or retaliation!
Sure, my life is not perfect but whose life is. I made a decision a while back that I was done accepting judgment and ridicule. I was over being everyone’s puppet and joke. I made a decision to choose not to pretend anymore. I realized that the people that stand up and say their life is perfect, sometimes are the very same people that, have the deepest and darkest secrets and experiences. Although, after all I have been through I decided a long time ago, I was done with secrets!
Changes I Made
So, I became a life coach, not because I knew what to do with my life not because I think I’m better, faster, stronger or smarter than anyone else. I became a life coach because I have a lot of experience in life on all sorts of levels. Being a woman that has fought for survival, not just against abuse but in life, to feed myself, clothe myself, care for myself, to care for my family and loved ones. The sacrifices, I chose to make along the way, were mine and mine alone. From time to time, sure regret may get the best of me but I try to turn all my negatives into positives. Which is why I’m going to be such a great Life Coach.
I am not superior to my clients and I have seen a therapist that handled domestic abuse situations and for that very reason is why I fully recommend seeking the support and guidance of a life coach if you can not find a therapist that is not going to be supportive and help you to see the whole picture and not just what they want you to see. In fact, the therapist I saw decided to tell me I was not able to be helped and because I would not follow her protocol I was no longer able to be a part of their program for victims of domestic violence. That day I literally went home and cried my eyes out because I get the best option is to leave but what I didn’t get was how a program set up for victims of abuse could be so disrespectful and judgmental of their clients situation. You can not drag a victim away from their abuser kicking and screaming to leave them in a shelter with no support, a lack of money, security and no protection. It is just wrong, so many victim live every day in fear. People think get a restraining order it will stop them they don’t want to go to jail! I’m sorry to say folks but that is just flat our bullshit! When leaving such a tender situation it takes structure and strategic planning the world legal system is not prepared to help these victims like it should be. Domestic abuse is built up with the fear of the unknown! Thankfully I was in a domestic situation with a man that really did love me and care. Some men and woman are not as lucky! Some victims spend their whole lives looking over their shoulder.
You can not charge someone for possibly one day getting drunk coming over and bashing your head in…. That is a fact!
So with that being said you have to wait till that abuser is 100 feet away from you before you contact the police and hope that you can hide long enough and while they savagely search for you wishing the whole time that the police will find your abuser before they find you. That Is the Realities of Domestic Abuse!
Life happens and our struggles, are a part who we are. They build us into the people we become but that does not mean our hardships and hard times, need to define us. We are strong, beautiful and amazing. We all deserve to be respected and understood. We all need support, to be loved and cared for. It is easy to make judgments of people but until you’ve lived or walked a day in that person’s shoes that you’re judging you have no business to judge them. Now you can walk away from this post with a better understanding of the fear and lack of assistance victims of domestic abuse have. The sad part is all I have written here is not even a quarter of the truth and facts. It is a pinch of information.
I thought about writing my story anonymously but instead, I chose to have a voice and embrace, all I have been through. Make no mistake, to write this post was very difficult. Just admitting that you have suffered through abuse and accepted that people will see those simple words, is hurtful in so many ways, that I can never describe.
I built this blog to have a voice, being a life coach is a bonus because I get to help men and women to rediscover who they are and to help them build or rebuild their lives. Lives not built by others opinions, rules, standards or morals but a life built on their hopes, dreams, and aspirations. I get to help other men and women to find their confidence, their strength and help them to build off their weaknesses. I get to teach others how to turn their negatives into positives, all toward helping them build a safe and realistic plan of action, to reach success and a better life for themselves.
I decided to write all of my posts about all the realities of life, Financial Issues, Society, Life In General, Ways to Free your Mind and even ways to become more Motivated and Inspired. Everyday bit by bit, I add more to my web page and social media. I update my social media with various life and health hacks that are fun and exciting.
Now today, I am writing this post to introduce my newest page added to my website. I recently added a page dedicated to building a better idea and understanding of domestic violence and abuse.
Now I realize I’m never going to be able to hit every note of abuse there are so many forms of abuse and neglect, we would be here for years. In fact, this post is already to long but that’s okay because it might just contain the words that motivate and inspire someone to make a change for the better for themselves. That is my hope and the reason I broke my silence and put myself out there. On the new page, I placed a couple different resources to assist women and men, in finding other sources of assistance. I also placed a list of hotlines and assistance on my contact page for your viewing, if you need help.
As I did not share my story entirely on the page. I decided to speak on a general basis regarding, how difficult it is for us to be in such situations and still have to not just fight our own self-judgment and abusers but also the world in general.
Due to judgment, ridicule and the acceptance in society to wear blinders to the real facts of life. Many men, woman, and children suffer in silent pain to preserve their dignity and pride. Many of them all move through the process of domestic violence and abuse knowing their risks, while accepting their fate and each individual victim moves through the process, at there own rate. This is not an acceptable way to live this is not how we should support each other. No one should have to suffer in silence. If you are a person that chooses to shame people then you should be ashamed of yourself. Take this post and find a better way to be, being close-minded and cruel is not the answer. From time to time we make errors in judgment and stick our foot in our mouth speaking before we think. Apologize for your judgment and then do better next time. Maybe you did not know your actions were wrong before but now that you do, make a change.
Along with the page I set up, I have decided to build a category specifically for victims of abuse to speak out. A place they can share their stories, views, thoughts, and sorrows. I figure, maybe together we can get a better understanding of the process from the beginning to the end. I am pleased to say this is the first post in that category. I want to make the world see the struggles and effects of abuse. It is time, the victims of abuse stop getting judged and ridiculed. We are everyday people and I promise there are a lot more of us than you ever thought existed.
Your mother, father, siblings, cousins, grandmothers, grandfathers, uncles, aunts, best friends, teachers, therapists, favorite actors, lawyers, favorite singers, presidents, presidents wives, and children could very well all be abusers or victims of abuse. Secrets happen and when they do, it is what it is. The sad thing is instead of sharing their story. They chose to suffer in silence and spare you, their pain. If you ask me, ” That is no longer acceptable, I have lived it and in all honesty, the silence hurts more then the actual abuse! The world needs to be more accepting and understanding. Today is a great day to stand up and fight for our rights.
If anyone is interested in sharing their story, please feel free to message me. If you wish your share can be anonymous or written with a pen name. Let’s take back our lives, one step at a time, no matter what stage of the process you are in. 😊
What you do with your life is up to you no one else!
Remember you are all beautiful and strong on the inside and out. Feel free, to comment on the domestic violence page and add your views, thoughts, concerns and any bits of information you feel can assist other men and women, that are currently living through or leaving these situations.
Feel free to speak out, to the world and say what you wish you said so many times over and over when people said to you “Why don’t you just leave!” “Why don’t you get help?” All I ask is “if you choose to comment or share your story, be respectful of each other’s words and of the stage each individual is currently in.” Other than that, let’s make a difference and let the world get a glimpse of the lives behind the abuse. Stop being silent and live the life you desire with peace and happiness.
Also, if you do so and you are living in domestic violence currently please make sure to clear your browser history, if need be to protect yourself. If your abuser checks your computer or phone. Be safe and strong through your hard times, seek assistance and counseling if you need too. As a life coach, I am happy to assist you in building a plan of action, to find peace and happiness without shame, guilt, and judgment. Check out my life coaching and service page for more information. Also, don’t forget to see my newest page Domestic Violence.
As usual, Thank you for viewing my CrazyBeautifulBlogs.com and have a beautiful and safe day. Never Give Up On Yourself! You have more strength than you know.