As individuals we all struggle sometimes whether its with our finances, families, careers, or just with life in general. All while we try to keep our good name and pride, regardless of what hinders us and find a way to smile, even when it’s fake. Not so many years ago, the error of my pride and good will blew up in my face. I became very ill with terrible anxiety, which led to me having an absolute break down. While trying to fix myself through self-discovery. I realized I spent a life time lying to everyone, including myself.
I didn’t have the easiest life financially and in many ways it hindered me and in others it made me the strong and understanding individual I am today. I spent a lot of my life being someone I wasn’t. I did it all with good purpose because it was all to help others reach heights that I gave up on for myself way to soon. My lack of confidence as a child, brought on by my lack of self-worth and the endless dedication to my family, led me to drown the person I was inside. I tried to be strong for my loved ones through hard times, I tried to be brave when I should have asked for help, I tried to fit in where I obviously didn’t, and to top it all off, I did everything in my power to keep up with every one’s lives, but my own. In all honestly I was a BEAUTIFUL DISASTER !!! One in which always meant well but fell apart all the same.
At the time when my anxiety began to take over my life, I really thought I was just over worked, over exhausted and stressed to the max. I believed it was the fact that I was helping being a care giver for 3 people, while trying to remain calm for multiple children, that desperately needed and adult to tell them everything was going to be okay. What I didn’t know was this was just the final straw to break the camel’s back in my already twisted life. Its not easy always feeling like you had the world on your shoulders and so many men, women and children feel just like I did, every day.
When it all fell apart for me, I realized I didn’t think I had any strength left. I thought this was it, “I can’t bounce back from this pain and sorrow that I was feeling.” I started to cut back on life, I had no choice. I couldn’t be that women everyone needed to be strong anymore. I had no more strength to carry myself because I gave it all away. My mom and grandma two of the people I was caring for died of cancer the other lived but after I told him “he had people that could help him and due to my health, I no longer care for him” he stopped speaking to me and my husband. It was a loss but in reality, I had no choice, at that point making cuts to my schedule had to be done. My uncle who I was also very close to past away randomly a couple days after my mom who passed away a couple months after my gram. It was one hell of a crazy two years to say the least.
You would never believe how many big events and memories you can work into 2 years’ time when under so much pressure. In those two years we had 2 Weddings, Several Beautiful Treasured Memories, One dreadful road trip back home to New York and 3 funerals. These people I lost where my strong holds, my security, my safe places to go when I wanted to cry, they were the people that held me up when I didn’t think I had anything left. The ones that never lost faith in my strength or ability to be so much more then I was. Without them I suppose I finally realized how scared, lonely and broken I really felt. They fought for me when I didn’t realize I had anything to fight for because I was always so busy fighting for everyone else.
After, many long hard months that women that I was that lost all ability to function and couldn’t stop shaking with anxiety suddenly found herself. I went through so many stages before I reached my own salvation and yet I still wasn’t where I wanted to be. Although the difference between now and then was I found my STRENGTH & CONFIDENCE!!! Believe it or not, I found that I had so much more of both of them, then I ever realized. I gave up on myself to help my family and although it was noble it was my demise. After, I lost all my loved ones, I realized all those years I spent giving myself away they were right. I should have listened to them and moved on in my own life, so much sooner.
My mom use to tell me sometimes things have to fall apart to fall back together.
She was right, because I crumbled like a cookie as my grandma, mom and uncle past, I felt like another part of my heart died with each of them. Although, once it was all over and I took the time to self-evaluate my life. Thanks to them even in death, I was able to find ways to put my life back together, after their passing. It was the strength, support and care they taught me my whole life, plus some other really special loved ones that helped me to look within myself.
Through Self- Discovery and those three people constantly in my head and on my shoulder pushing me from beyond their grave. I was able to find who it was, I wanted to be and how I wanted to spend the rest of my days. My mom told me before she past that she wanted me to stop caring about everyone else and to focus on myself. She said I spent to many years focusing on our family and she knew it was killing me. She apologized for not being able to help me reach the life I deserved but said “she wouldn’t be there to remind me, to think of myself anymore. So now, it was my time to do it on my own. Even if it meant walking away from everyone to do it.” All she wanted was for me to finally find the happiness I deserved and to live the life she knew I wanted instead of living the life I took on to survive.
Naturally, it took a while and I still haven’t let go quite like she said to do but every day is a working progress. What I did do though is start to focus more on myself. Now thanks to my hard work to overcome my past. I can and do on a daily basis try to focus on what I learned about myself and in spite of my past, I was able to become the women I always wanted to be. Now I am a Self-Discovery & Motivational Certified Life Coach and a blog writer which I love so much.
It is hard work and honestly don’t pay nearly enough. Although, since I started I have already helped to inspire and motivate so many people. I have helped people to set plans and I have finally found a way to help people like myself to find their own voice and help them to find their own confidence, strength and peace of mind. I now know, how to help people to push past their past or limits they may have set for themselves to keep from disappointment, towards things they never thought could be possible for them. The crazy part is, it all starts by purging those details you may be hiding deep within the depths of yourself. It starts by accepting the past, living in your present, all while focusing of reaching your deepest desires.
Growing up and in my regular life, I never accepted my weaknesses, my flaws, or my pain as an excuse or a reason to take a break. I just kept pushing till I broke. Although, my break down and illness with anxiety broke me down and showed me I was only human. It also showed me, how much I had to look forward to and how much time I didn’t want to let go to waste my mom past away at 49 years old and here I am today already in my 30’s. Time is not always kind to us and No Tomorrow is ever promised, which is why it is so important to live everyday with peace and happiness. All that time I spent not being the person I was underneath all that forced strength, braveness, and fake smiles I lived with for easily over 20 years, nearly killed me. I want to help others that face those same obligations or guilt to be something they’re not all to please others to find the freedom to live the life they want and deserve.
Like my mother said sometimes you need to fall apart to be put back together and there I was making greater strides for myself then I ever did before. It’s not an easy task to look into those dark caves in our mind. It took so much dedication, a lot of tears, heart breaking reality checks and facing facts that all the fake strength in the world couldn’t save me from. The crazy part is now that I opened that door, they feel like they never stop. Although, now when I smile it’s a real smile. Now when I speak out it’s because I know I have the right to not because someone has to be strong. Now when I wake up in the morning, somedays I do not know where my day will take me but I know where ever it does, I have the strength to deal with whatever life throws at me. This is all the stuff you can find on Crazy Beautiful Blogs, for yourself as well.
Now Today, Due To All Of The Above I Was Able To Build This Website Crazy Beautiful Blogs. As A Bonus Between My Life Coaching and Finding My Own Voice & Confidence. I Am Able To Help Promote Inspiration, Individuality, Support, Self-Awareness, Self-Love, Self-Care, Self-Discovery, Motivation, All While Being Able To Help You Find And Reach Your Deepest Desires, Daily Goals, Dreams & Aspirations…
I Dedicate This Website And All I Do As A Gift, To My Mom Robin. She Was One Of The Strongest Women I Ever Knew. She Gave Me Life And Forever Fueled Me To Always Shoot For The Stars…